day 228-binge

Diagnosed: generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and dysthymic disorder (mild long term depression) with major depressive episodes

Medications: None. Previously on Effexor (negative side effects-intense fatigue and suicidal thoughts), before Effexor I was on Celexa, but had a negative response to this including extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Before Celexa I was started on Zoloft (25mg raised to 75mg), but psychiatrist found after 3 1/2 months on it my body wasn’t responding well to it (suicidal thoughts after going up in dose).

Supplements: one daily Nevaton herbal supplement- containing St. John’s wort among other herbs, 5,000mg fish oils, 5,000 IU Vitamin D, once daily prenatal, progesterone drops, DSF adrenal support, digestive enzymes, amino acids.

Lifestyle: exercise (3 days this wk), no sugar (unless I’m bingeing), prayer & fellowship, scripture reading (especially out loud)

The first week on the Paleo diet I did so well, didn’t cheat once. I felt great (except I was still battling fatigue, because of my weak adrenals). But the anxiety, crying spells, and suicidal thinking, I had experienced on my plateau, stopped.

BUT, big BUT, a week into the diet I started obcessing about food. Obcessing. I felt like I had to have a treat. I had to. And I couldn’t stop thinking about all the delicious things I wanted to eat.

So to try and subdue those cravings I made myself a batch of gf splenda blend chocolate chip cookies. I thought, “Hey, gf and splenda blend can’t be too horrible, right?” Too bad I didn’t just eat one or two cookies, but seven cookies worth of dough and then two baked cookies within a couple hours. And that was just the beginning of my five day sugar rollercoaster binge that followed.

The next day I’m pretty sure I justified having a cookie after breakfast, which lead to another cookie. I admire the woman who can just eat one. Then in the afternoon after a healthy Paleo lunch I proceeded to nibble on the refrigerated dough only to nibble myself through the rest of it!!! I was slightly embarrassed at myself hoping Jason wouldn’t notice that the once full tupperware was now empty.

I went to bed thinking ok, this has to be done with by tomorrow. I told Jason I was going to throw the rest of the cookies out! Funny thing and good thing was the cookies weren’t effecting my moods and they weren’t making my stomach hurt, which is huge for me since they had soy and sugar in them.

Which lead me to the third day when right before I chucked the last of the cookies I had to eat one more. I was sad to see them go. I had the fleeting thought of digging them back out.

Later that evening I guess the idea that I would be done with sugar for a long while didn’t sit well with me and I was craving sugar SO bad that I told Jason I was going for one of my scream drives, when in reality I was headed straight to…try and guess…yep Del Taco. Now this is where you can think I’m crazy or I can try and justify my actions. Three years ago I was diagnosed allergic to soy, walnuts, peanuts, and wheat (flour). So when I ate the soy in the cookies and didn’t get sick it made me wonder if my allergies had healed somehow. So since I was already bingeing, and love Del Taco it was the perfect place to test it out.

I cried on the way there (pathetic I know), cause I still felt so out of control and obsessed about food. And then I proceeded to order a cheese quesadilla, cherry coke, and chicken soft taco. I scarfed all of it in less than ten minutes and then called Jason and confessed I wasn’t on a scream drive, but that I had just scarfed down Del Taco and my tummy hurt, so I’d be heading to the grocery store for some relief. He was so patient and said, “Ok, but hurry home.”

Needless to say I got the grocery store and since I already hurt my tummy and ruined my diet, I might as well keep it going. I bought two of my favorite candy bars, ones which I hadn’t eaten in years and downed those in the car, amidst tears rolling down my cheeks.

So many emotions came up for me:  feeling out of control, missing the food I used to be able to enjoy at my own discretion before I was aware of my allergies, feeling like I was hiding something and a bad Christian for not being able to control myself,  and mad at myself for eating so horrible when I had put in SO much money, time, and effort into this whole diet/holistic approach to healing my anxiety and depression. GAH! Frustrating!

Anyways, I went to see my holistic Dr a couple days later after continuing to binge on more sugar (store bought cookies that were just calling my name). I told him what I had done. And he laughed and said, “That is so normal.” I was like, “What really!” I thought he was Mr. Perfectly healthy eater Dr. man. And then he proceeded to confess that over the weekend he had eaten half a birthday cake, a sip of soda and a few chocolate brownie fudge bars among other things he couldn’t recall.

Even though the sugar and wheat had weakened my system. I was so relieved. I had to chuckle. I wasn’t alone in my binge freakout.

But then he said something that worried me, “Just get back on the diet.”

Guh, I thought in my head, I hope it’s that easy.

Tags: adrenal glands, anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, kimi finley blog, mental health

day 216-plateau

Diagnosed: generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and dysthymic disorder (mild long term depression) with major depressive episodes

Medications: None. Previously on Effexor (negative side effects-intense fatigue and suicidal thoughts), before Effexor I was on Celexa, but had a negative response to this including extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Before Celexa I was started on Zoloft (25mg raised to 75mg), but psychiatrist found after 3 1/2 months on it my body wasn’t responding well to it (suicidal thoughts after going up in dose).

Supplements: one daily Nevaton herbal supplement- containing St. John’s wort among other herbs, 5,000mg fish oils, 5,000 IU Vitamin D, once daily prenatal, progesterone drops, DSF adrenal support, digestive enzymes, amino acids.

Lifestyle: exercise (3 days this wk), no sugar, prayer & fellowship, scripture reading (especially out loud)

plateau: (noun) a state of little or no change following a period of activity or progress.

I had an awesome stretch of 5 weeks (with only two days of sucicdal thoughts) and then I hit a little bit of a plateau (where in a week I had two days of sucidal thoughts). My holitstic Dr’s said to watch for this. That it’s just part of the healing process and the pysch meds are continuing to release from the cells in my body and since they are toxic to my system they have a negative effect on me.

Anyways those days that are bad can be quite discouraging to me. It feels like all God’s led me to do, all He’s healed me of and all I’ve worked for- counts for nothing- and I’m back at square one. Now I know that’s not true, but try convincing me of that on a bad day and it’s a lil different.

Thank God though that the bad days, aren’t bad weeks or months, like they were, praise God!

But as I continue to experience plateaus the holistic doctors tweak things with my supplements or diet. My body is extremely sensitive to food, chemicals, etc, so as my doctors continue to muscle test me two times a week and take note of my food & mood journal. They notice foods that my body is sensitive too. Now this has caused much frustation, because I love food and it seems like every week I have a new list of can’s and can not’s.

Currently I’m on a modified Paleo Diet (I allow myself one serving of cheese a day), which is crazy hard to do. It shouldn’t be cause you’re actually allowed to eat quite a bit of yummy food on it, but man I LOVE carbs and dairy. So it’s really hard not to eat them. But I did find an It’s a Grind coffee shop that makes almond milk lattes, soooo good! Anyways. I have been on it for 2 days and feel great, except for a fatigue attack yesterday, but I think it’s cause the ‘not allowed food’ I had eaten a day before was still in my system.

We’ll see how this goes, doctors said give it two weeks. I’ve already wanted to give up. But hopefully it works, it’s worth it if it helps me feel stable mood wise on a consistent basis.

Tags: anxiety, applied kinesiology, Delta Wellness Group, depression, depression symptoms, fatigue, GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, holistic, kimi finley, kimi finley blog, suicide, term depression

things improved

God is so sovereign. Only He has the power. All things are under His control. As long as He allowed my depression and anxiety to carry on it was going to, but ultimately for His purposes and good.

A month ago, one of my friends at church saw a picture of me wearing a heavy, iron vest that fit me perfectly. I was sad and it was hard for me to wear it. I wanted it off, but I couldn’t reach the buckles that were latched behind my back. I tried, but I couldn’t reach. Then she saw God’s hands come and release the buckles. I was free.

This picture encouraged me, because that is exactly how I felt! The sadness so heavy, so impossible for me to get rid of alone. And I tried SO hard. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t escape the depression and anxiety, by myself.  When I got frustrated (which was all the time) it continued to remind me, that in HIS PERFECT TIMING, I’d be freed.

It’s been three weeks since I received my last prayer session for deliverance and I haven’t seen a picture of that vest being unbuckled or anything, but I feel free.

My fatigue has lifted- I don’t need naps in sandboxes anymore or after a cup of coffee, I’m motivated again and feel purpose for living, I can be alone with Luke, I can cope with stress more easily, I don’t have anger or crying outbursts, I have only desired to die once in the last three weeks (which is HUGE for me) and there was a lot of circumstances contributing to that moment and desire, I want to hang out with people again and don’t feel intense anxiety when I’m in social situations, I feel a renewed desire and energy to take care of my husband and son, I don’t spin out as easily in my mind, I feel like I’m in spiritual boot camp and God is teaching me SO much about Himself and His heart for me to serve others by His power, God’s given me a deeper understanding of the miscarriage and peace with it and peace in allowing myself to still cry if I’m sad about it, while at the same time reminding myself of the truth He’s spoken into that situation.

There are still days when the anxiety and depression try to come back, but I feel stronger in Him and more able to cope with it and have a deeper understanding of God’s truth, than I did last month.

He has done something and whether it be through prayer, my support, my diet, or Dr. Supna and Dr Glenn.

He has done something.

“The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing.” John 6:63

“Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:21

 

Tags: anger, deliverance, depression, GAD, holistic, kimi finley, mental health, religion, spirituality, suicide, term depression

for my record-part II

K, so I went to my first consultation at the Delta Wellness Group and met with Dr. Supna. These are some of the things we discussed and treatment I received…

• She took a history of my health complications: anxiety, depression, exaggerated PMS, fatigue, digestive woes, food allergies, and miscarriage.
• She then asked me to lay down face up and started examining my organs and systems using Applied Kinesiology. I thought is was fascinating, cause I’ve never been to a holistic clinic before, so she explained what she was finding.
• Through Applied Kinesiology, she was able to identify weakness/imbalance in my liver, pancreas, pituitary and adrenal glands.
• She also identified low progesterone levels in my body and said this is most likely one of the reasons why I miscarried. Low progesterone levels along with poor pituitary/adrenal gland functioning.  Basically my hormones were out of whack! Hearing all this was SO refreshing considering my OB/GYN didn’t even offer a suggestion as to why I miscarried. So to know there was a specific physical reason and there was something I could do about it was helpful.
• Dr. Supna and her husband Dr. Glenn began seeing me two times a week and treating me using acupressure, chiropractic care, color therapy, emotional therapy, laser therapy, encouraging me to read the bible, pray, and have others pray for me, get outside everyday and exercise (I workout probably 4xs a wk). They put me on therapeutic doses of fish oils and vitamin D, progesterone, homeopathic remedies, and adrenal gland support and nutrition (for me they recommended mostly organic, increased protein, less caffeine (I drink 1 a cup a day now), NO SUGAR (which is tough!! I was used to eating ice cream every night and enjoying my Starbucks vanilla latte most days among other things, like BBQ sauce and margaritas. It’s been 3 weeks and I’ve had crying breakdowns and moments when I just want to pour a bag of sugar into my mouth, but when I tried to eat a gluten free bagel,with only 4g of sugar, the other day, I started to dip into a mental fog and woke up the next morning feeling a cloak of depression on me, so for now it’s no sugar for me).
• When I first started seeing the holistic Dr., I was on psych meds, so Dr. Supna could NOT start me on herbal antidepressants, because you can not be on both at the same time.
•  I wanted to try psych meds first one) I was scared and that is what I was already on, and two) I was suicidal and I had heard such great things personally from people on psych meds and reviews online that they change you and provide much needed relief. But this was not how it played out for me in this season of my life. For Jason and I the psych med process was long, up and down, crazy at times, sad, hard, and really frustrating. I wish I would have prayed and asked God for His advice about psych meds and whether He wanted me on them or not. So grateful for His mercy and grace, since I had taken matters into my own hands without seeking Him.

Again this is long and I’ve gotta run, but I still want to write why I ended up getting off psych meds and where I’m at now.

Tags: adrenal glands, applied kinesiology, Delta Wellness Group, depression anxiety, depression symptoms, fatigue, GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, holistic, low progesterone miscarriage, mental health, miscarriage, miscarriage blog, muscle testing

for my record

I don’t want to forget how this all went down.

So let’s see…

Jason and I have always been bent towards a holistic approach to healing. So being on psych meds was a change for me. When getting on them I was desperate, afraid, and didn’t know all my options and most certainly did not ask for God’s counsel about how He wanted to deal with my depression and anxiety. Now I’d do whatever He wants me to do:  yes psych meds, or no psych meds, whatever He wants.

So anyways back to me starting meds, first was Zoloft, then Celexa, then Effexor. I tried three of them in six months and all of them were causing negative or what my Dr called allergic or atypical reactions in my body.

I started thinking about seeing a holistic Dr. near the beginning of my psychiatric treatment, on Zoloft, but at first I was doing better, so I put it off for a bit.

Only to think about it again weeks later, but this time wondering if a holistic Dr could heal my many food allergies. On the internet I came upon a process called NAET. I was fascinated-this process linked allergies to a bunch of aliments including depression. I have a bunch of allergies. So Jason and I started praying about seeking treatment from a more holistic type Dr.

While on Zoloft and after increasing my dose I experienced an atypical reaction and I had to switch to the med Celexa.

And almost right away my body responded poorly to it and it only got worse-increased allergic sensitivity, panic attacks, extreme anxiety, suicidal desires.

This frustrated me to no end, cause one I kept reading on drugs.com under user reviews how people of all ages found relief using these types of drugs and two I personally know people who these meds work for-why weren’t they working for me!!

Just before Christmas time people were asked to share testimonies at church of how God was moving in their life. I felt this crazy urge to share. Like I had to even though I didn’t want to. I had to. So I shared how hard it was for me to go to church and see all the happy families and newborn babies since we had miscarried our second. How I was struggling with anxiety and depression, how I was suffering. (clearly, considering I was sobbing) But how that morning God encouraged me to come to church with this verse, “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:2-5. It felt oddly good to share with everyone. And after the service many came and told me inspiring stories of God in their suffering.

A few weeks later as we continued to research and pray about holistic healing, Jason went to church by himself, can’t remember why I didn’t go. But a fellow church member approached him after service and she said, “I don’t normally do this and I know I don’t know you, but I feel like I’m supposed to tell you about a wellness clinic, Delta Wellness Group, nearby that I went to when I suffered with anxiety.”

Jason and I were fascinated that this woman would be so purposeful in sharing this with someone she doesn’t know. Especially since Jason wasn’t the one who had shared at church, I was.

So we prayed about the clinic and were also encouraged that the Dr’s working there were Christian and we believed it was a good next step.

So I went and received my first consultation.

(Whew…This is getting long and I’m pooped. I wasn’t planning on making this two posts, but I’ll write what the Dr. told me about my body, depression, and anxiety in another post…)

day 181-turned corner

Diagnosed: generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and dysthymic disorder (mild long term depression) with major depressive episodes

Medications: None. Previously on Effexor (negative side effects-intense fatigue and suicidal thoughts), before Effexor I was on Celexa, but had a negative response to this including extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Before Celexa I was started on Zoloft (25mg raised to 75mg), but psychiatrist found after 3 1/2 months on it my body wasn’t responding well to it (suicidal thoughts after going up in dose).

Supplements: one daily Nevaton herbal supplement- containing St. John’s wort among other herbs (6 days), 5,000mg fish oils (6 wks), 5,000 IU Vitamin D (6 wks), once daily prenatal, progesterone cream (6 wks), DSF adrenal support (4 wks), digestive enzymes

Lifestyle: exercise (6 days this wk), no sugar, prayer & fellowship, scripture reading (especially out loud)

A week ago, the day before I started taking Nevaton, a herbal supplement used to treat anxiety and depression, a Christian woman, named, Maria Sainz, came to visit me.

She lives an hour away and we have never met.

She heard about me through a friend: my depression, anxiety, how I was recently suicidal, and that the psych meds I tried weren’t working.

She came to my house at 11:45 am, last Thursday, along with two dear prayer partners of mine.

And for the next few hours in full authority from Jesus Christ they prayed with me.

In Jesus name they cast out evil spirits. In Jesus name they spoke truth, life, and blessings into me. In Jesus name they encouraged me, baptized me in the Holy Spirit and taught and re-taught me things I don’t want to forget. In Jesus name I renounced contracts I had made with the enemy and reestablished God’s reign in certain areas in my life. In Jesus name I forgave people (some people I have forgiven over and over-don’t ask me what that’s about, guess I have a hard time lettin go, jeez), in Jesus name I saw vision for my life and who I am to Him and with Him.

Now I’ve been prayed for in similar ways like this before. This whole thing for me has been a process of healing-a journey. For me it hasn’t looked like just one prayer time and bam I’m healed. It’s been a long process with a lot ups, downs, and me wondering, but each time I’m prayed for whether believing it or not, knowing it or not, in big ways and small-I have been changed and I will continue to be changed. Praise God, cause I need it!

Thank you Lord for this past week, for the time spent with you on Thursday, for all the ways you are showing up in my life, past what I can explain in writing.

We’ve turned a corner and I’m excited.

Tags: cast out evil spirits, deliverance, prayer

free to scream

My friend came over today to find me royally pissed off. I won’t go into details, but anyways when we were walking she goes, “You need designated scream time. Yep. You need time when you can just scream, like, ‘AHHHHHHHHHH,’  yea, so you can let it all out.”

“Haahaha, I love that! I need that!”

So we talked and decided driving alone in my car would be the best place to have designated scream time. My neighbors wouldn’t think I was getting murdered and my son wouldn’t have to experience crazy.

And I would have unashamed, free, scream time.

So tonight early evening, after prepping dinner, before Jason came home with Luke from his parents, I sat in my car and wrote a paper full of things that made me angry.

They ranged from things that happened a LONG time ago to things that weren’t that big of a deal, but still really pissed me off.

And as I started up the car I tore the paper to shreds and told the devil, “That yea these things make me angry, but I will NOT let that anger inside me, so I’m going to release it.”

I waited till I drove past my neighbors house to let out a medicore scream, my throat kinda hurt, but as I continued to drive anger rose up in me and out poured,

“Nooooooooo, nooooooo, AHHHHHHHH, nooooooooo. AHHHH.”

My worship music was blasting and as I drove the moment turned into a sweet time recognizing what God has for me and who I am in Him.

I felt pretty tough, joyful, and excited.

By the end of the loop I was saying, “Yes,” and praising God for what is next in my life.

Get ready.

 

 

 

Tags: kimifinley